What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
so looking at the guys i've dated i feel my vag is a halfway house
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
Currently in the bathroom stall of a gay bar in new haven giving myself an anti throw up pep talk
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
Randomize