if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
Omg. It looks like a crack pipe exploded in your mouth.
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
Qdoba locked their bathrooms last night.. I suppose so people didn't pee all over them? I considered it counter productive considering I just peed on the outside of their building then. I had to pee
All I'm sayin is that I don't want to raise anything. Or deal with anything. Or having anything come out of my vagina. I mean, I don't think that's asking too much.
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
Randomize
