I met the friendliest cop last night
you're like a bully in the Christmas story
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
Let's just say I've never been so continually aware of my nipples before.
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
That sounds good. I'd totally blow you somewhere quick but im not in the frame of mind to think of a place
Be outside in 5
Randomize
