the new term for farting is butt boxing.
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
Ye. Looking like it's about to be one of those mythical responsible weekends
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
Sorry i vommed in a cup next to u w out warning.. Actually im not that sorry cuz i didn't spill a drop LIKE A PRO
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
You was so high that you insisted that you heard someone whistle, then you insisted they was trapped in the wall!
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
I'll pick u up. I have to buy a new sofa cover anyway. I swear I've never seem a girl cum like that before.
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