I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
he threw mangos from the tree he was in at people and got arrested for harassment
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
You guys tried to boil water to fill up the empty hot tub. After the fourth trip back with the kettle you gave up.
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
We were talking when all of a sudden she reach and started squeezing my dick and goes "nice." and then just kept the conversation going like nothing happened.
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
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