census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
I'm reading about reasons for wearing clothing. IS THIS COLLEGE OR PRESCHOOL?
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
Are you still goin to the xmas party?
Yaaaa why?
Jus making sure i will have nice people i know to put a blanket over me when i pass out in the field .
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
I feel like every young boy's first wet dream is too have sex with the Pink Ranger. I am now fulfilling that dream for one man. I am a hero.
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
Randomize
