genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
Its a three day weekend with Valentines day thrown in... Im obligated to get drunk
Intervention is following me on twitter.
wow.
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
i introduced myself to everyone by my new name, thundergooch. i threatened the neighbors with a hammer when they used my real name. needless to say, sailor jerry was not kind to me.
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
I got kicked out of the hotel after wandering into the banquet kitchen at 2am trying to find the shrimp....so we're power napping in the car and then driving to madison.
He just asked me to be his girlfriend while having sex on his parents kitchen counter
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
i don't care if you are my best friend. does not give you the right to describe how well my sister gives blowjobs.
how about your cousin?
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