Seriously dude, you need to stop beating off to the ellen show, it's just weird.
DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
you told him you liked to chip your nail polish to look like different countries. im gonna guess that no, you didn't sleep with him.
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
He left with a pair of dress shoes, some goggles, and a shot glass. I think we should follow him.
We need to re-create the Get Some Ass Tour 2002.
Um, 2 out of 3 people involved with that particular event are now married, so I don't think that will be happening.
HELLO, they're MARRIED! They need to get some ass more than anyone.
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
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