i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
There's a group of australian girls next to me. can't take them seriously. think they are going to turn into mr g
i swear to god. if they dont have practically DTF written on their foreheads, or a glowstick in their hands, strictly no entry.
THIS NIGHT WILL NOT GO DICKLESS
I deem her datable let the dance of attraction commence
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
Can't you just imagine you've grudge fucked me so we can get past this?
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
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