My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
what customs doesn't know wont hurt them
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
NO HOOKUPS IN THE CAR. I will try as i might to practice what i preach, but there are no guarantees.
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
Things are coming back to me in chunks. I vaguely remember signing a shirt that said 'I enjoy vagina'
I AM SO PROUD OF YOU
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
Is offering to blow your HR rep considered an ethics violation?
Riddle me this: I can stream porn just fine but try and watch my college class and nooo it won't work
Be there in 4 minutes
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
My mother expressed her concerns about my drinking via a facebook message.
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