And then I said "flip over. I want to show you something i learned in Afghanistan."
the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
The gay is strong with you! You're more concerned about my outfit than my safety.
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
It was only in the sobering silence of the wilderness on the mountain, after I was too tired to talk anymore and I also didn't want to tell Julian that we were lost, that I realized how super tripped out I had been the entire time...
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
He makes me want to cheat on my other 3 boyfriends..
Randomize
