Your face is a jimmy john
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
While he was gone for spring break I took his head board... I don't wanna wake up from his shenanigans for the rest of my college career.
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
help. his tongue is stuck. Its not what you think. Hurry.
My Hitachi broke 1 day into this stay home bullshit.
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