Sorry, I don't speak sober.
Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
I don't remember. I think I elluded to the fact that I would buy him a dildo for his birthday.
All I know is I woke up next to her beside the toilet
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
I'm just saying, margarita tuesday would turn anyone gay.
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
I think being an adult is being able to say no to free shots...I need to work on that.
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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