I wonder if she has a lisp when she orgasms...
i have absolutely no control over my now miserable and whore-ish lifestyle.
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
I fell alseep but then some dude picked me up. Comforter and all stuck a blunt in my mouth and carried me back downstairs because "I wasn't done partying"
Off topic, but is it sad that Matthew and I are calculating how much sex we need to have in order to work off a taco bell burrito?
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
We are going to get high as balls and watch netflix
THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT LOOKS LIKE
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
Sext me about skeletons
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
Randomize
