I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
Operation extremely regretful is in full effect
He said he's was gunna give me some pain meds. I'm not sure what they are but I just gave him a thumbs up
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
Dude cabbage spilt on the floor, and now danielles rolling it. Happy st party's day.
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
Randomize
