Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
Yes, you can 69 in a fiat. But I think I have permanent nerve damage
She's just so happy...and so naked.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
Omg. I have a story to tell you later about that girl that just crawled on stage
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
Its a cash in stratch tickets to afford cigarettes and coffee kind of friday
Say whatever you bloody well like; you don't know the true meaning of life until you have smoked to a Sade cd.
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
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