My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
I have only been in this city 3 nights and there are already 4 bars I can never go back to again.
they're using the ping pong table for ping pong. it's weird
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
So I've been to the library twice so far. Both times were for the atm, and once I was stoned. Junior year is going great.
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
i think i can safely say that is the weirdest thing you've ever propositioned me with. so obviously my answer is yes.
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
we def had a heart to heart that turned into a BJ last night
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
Randomize
