I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
she fell down the flight of stairs and was fine until she saw the two broken beer bottles on the ground by her.
thats a woman
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
He brought over a 20 dollar bottle of wine. Who does that? This is college.
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
How do I figure out the name of this sleeping naked guy in my bed?
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
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