Sarah, plain, and tall I adore you
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
Had to make a piece of abstract art. Your dick is in it
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
his mom cheated on his dad so i think he has a weird freudian thing for whores
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
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