mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
I'm pretty sure there was a language barrier but he knew what "harder" meant.
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
Im gunna just be that one ballerina in the low V leopard thong leotard and everyone else can be boring and prude with their little pink tights on.
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
My boobs looked so good under the black light I saw a girl physically cover her boyfriend's eyes.
I hope you get your threesome on vday. I'll probably get flowers and a candlelit dinner. trade you. I wish this guy was more of a slut and had less of a heart. I would like 2 dicks please fuck your flowers!
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
i think i just naturally attract stoners
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