Singing into hair straightener during spice girls....sooo dangerous
just threw up on my speech test, so much for a great semester
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
You gotta pick a side. My suggestion: side with tits.
But there's never enough margarita money.
This is going to be one of those situations where we lose a day, isn't it
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
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