My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
just because she blew him doesn't mean she knows his name.
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
All of the hungover. I've changed not showered but can't quite make it to the booze.
WE'RE IN THE RED ZONE PLAY THRU THE PAIN
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
How does one take the "you're the best sex I've ever had but I'm marrying someone that's sub-par in the sack" mind fuck?
I pity the fool.
Thanks Mr T.
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
she threw up on her exam, awkwardly wiped it off with her sleeve and continued writing.
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
Randomize
