omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
He tried to stop traffic by waving his half eaten pizza at cars.... And we were stupid enough to cross .....??!!!
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
Google imaged your anal issues. Seems fuckable still.
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
Two words: nipple clamps
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