I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
Im about to smoke a huge bowl. My penis is so happy. Who needs girls.
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
I took so my adderall all I can do is lie on my floor and stare too hard at my hedgehog. He has 42 spines in the dark spot on his shoulder btw.
How bad would it be if I wore out the dress we got peed on in. You're the only one who knows.
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
we've talked on the toilet we're linked now
I'm going to use this quarantine time to improve my blowjob skills.
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