so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
I think forcing your little sister to drink with you on a Wednesday when she has school the next day is the low point of alcoholism.
I just smoked my last bit of kief with a grill lighter. This is what crackheads must feel like.
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
The only way I could get him to agree to hook up with her is telling him I'd hook up with him next week.
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
You. Me. Frosting and a bed. Lets do this.
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
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