omg dinner turned into a foam party this is weiriiid
The other. Cat spoke to me and left. This shit is laced
The first cat might save me but they are taking out masks
despite the cops showing up at 8am, pre gaming groundhog day was my idea yet. and by pre gaming, i of course mean getting black out drunk by 7:30am
Ginormous penis in the breeze, cumming champagne showers into your eye
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
We were destined to go to rehab together
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
Randomize
