We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
so when am I gonna get some from you?
when you dick grows 3 inches
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
All I remember was yelling at him, "Its becasue of people like you that it took us so long to get to the moon!"
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
I just love that a strip club has taco Tuesday.
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
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