My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
No. I do not want to discuss your lesbian tendencies with my sister.
She still started it.
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
Nothing personal but yes I would be suspicious If I saw 3 guys and 2 girls in the same bathroom stall together
Randomize