Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
Any time before 12:00pm. Can go fuck itself.
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
I misunderstood what a furry was. Come pick me up.
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
How would your parents feel if we installed a sex swing?
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
I've never had someone have to dis-arm themselves before I sucked their dick prior to that
he called me ma'am when we were fucking last night...he's five years older than me. I think I'm in love.
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
Ur creepiness is now affecting my life and I'm not okay with it
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
Randomize
