Call me "white mamba"
Your dick is not a dangerous deadly poisonous snake
It is white.
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
it's like doing a sit-up... but, you're inside someone
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
You want anything?
Gatorade and you naked.
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
Randomize
