she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
so you told her it was a 'nam scar? i mean, how old does she think you are.
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
sick fucks of a feather flock together
I had a dream last night where I used the marginal product rule to figure out how much more hangover I got per sip of four loko, econ is taking over my life...
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
I'm so drunk. Liken realign drink
Like really drunk?
Or did you enjoy repositioning your drink?
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
I just lived through a real life episode of jersey shore.
Randomize
