Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
So am I a slut for not remembering his name after sex last night or not recognizing him in the cafe today after he told me who he was?
I had fun this weekend too. According to Web MD, my symptoms say I had a miscarriage.
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
Sorry, It's like OkCupid Olympics... categories: best sext, best dick pic, and most effort by ugly. You won gold in the last event if that makes you feel better.
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
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