i'm signing you up for texting rehab
omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
I dont know why people are racist. Both the mexicans and the irish gave us holidays where everyone drinks on a wednesday.
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
Text me when you wake up so I know you're ok. It's really worrisome to get home at this hour and find 3 men passed out in my room but no you. Love you, goodnight. :-)
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
She's riding a bike down the street and drinking brown liquor. A pt cruiser is honking at her and she's like I HEAR YOU!!
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
It must have been good head...he put down the Xbox controller
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
Woke up with a bed full of sand...care to explain?
Isnt is self explanatory?
Randomize
