WHY CAN'T YOU EVER SHIT LIKE A NORMAL PERSON, JESSE.
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
Threesome in a minivan. New low
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
Was booty called last night and I was so blacked out that my roomie made me puke before going to "eye of the tiger." Why I'm still single is beyond me
I think I reached some stage of aging, have a sore/injured shoulder from sex, next up carpal tunnel from sexting.
well he somehow got his hand stuck in some bike spokes trying to reach for a blunt he dropped and that's NOT the reason he's in the hospital...?
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
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