tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
idk if you're aware of this...but we could potentially have the greatest hate sex...ever.
the can pyramid on my head actually reached a decent height before I moved.
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
I went to the haunted house just to see her - Hello new fetish!
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
I just talked to him. no worries he had the same fears you did this morning and smelled the dryer to make sure. you officially did not pee in there haha
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