Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
last night i found where hot topic managers go to die after they get fired.
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
Theres a point where you stop and say hey....as high as I am on LSD right now ...I`m just a man covered in paint
i dont get why youre mad at me. i promised you he looked like jim morrison and you failed to ask me like which era
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
Idk, but the girl in his story had really nice eyebrows and was singing The Climb. How about you CLIMB the fuck away from my man
FORGET THE EYEBROWS
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
Randomize
