my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
He was talking about his friends deceased ferret and I still managed to orgasm.
Now THAT is dedication!
Randomize
