come over anyways, right now, right this second
it can be a super quick quicky, then you can go back to studying
wow, that sounds SO fun, please stop enticing me with premature ejaculation
and i forgot to tell you that my armpit hair is now completely grown back. man i love winter.
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
It was her first time with a girl so I put on my tegan and Sara playlist to really get the full experience.
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
Randomize
