remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
omg he said he wants to insert his penis into my vagnia what do i say
tell him to stop quoting family guy
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
This was like angel cum on the bread of life filled with the nectar of the gods
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
Randomize
