I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
I knew shit got real when the pinapple was gone and people were just passing around the core and gnawing on it.
I just want him to slap me with his dick and call it love
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
Just wait til you visit, there will be an endless supply of fresh dick for your demand #economics
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
Plus, I have my cousin, the dominatrix, to help me out if things get out of hand
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
Randomize
