You smell like a Billy Joel song
Say something about gay babies.
Update. It gets worse. A) he's done viagra and B) he wears socks at all times.
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
I woke up next to him fully clothed but my thong was around his neck. Polling to decide if we had sex or not starts now.
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
She was giving me head while we were in my tree house, my mom then came out to let the dog out so she stopped so I would stop groaning, was it good? You tell me
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
If I just skip sleeping, does hangover still happen? Gonna try it. Will report back. StTAND BY
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
Randomize
