You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
..But I'm still alive. And thats the main thing
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
Sooooo high
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
People were drinking out of 26ers with straws, and somewhere someone yelled "fill me with dicks!" I'm home.
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
Which emoticons convey sympathy for sleeping with someones bf ??
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
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