Have you ever noticed that nowhere is the same thing as now here, i get my best ideas when i smoke
He's getting better. i'm using GuitarHero to teach him how to finger me. My clit = the red tab.
I walk of shamed back from his dorm in costume while his dad and brother were waiting outside to drive him home. his dad apologized to me. my life never gets old.
so either half this theatre is as stoned as me, or day daybreakers is hilarious
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
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