shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
I hate girls that dress up to come to planned parenthood. I just want to be like we are all in the same boat here, we know your slutty. Its OK.
I just criticized a porno's use of editing. Film school is ruining me.
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
I'm pretty sure it all started going downhill last night when they suggested I see how much sambuca I could fit in my mouth
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
I want a burrito.
Truly, you are the voice of a generation.
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
He was someone so memorable that I'd completely forgotten he'd existed up to and during the encounter
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