i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
I'm going to appeal my grade. Is it better to look studious or slutty?
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
I call it a party but only because that sounds better than 8 people getting drunk around a pool.
Go for gold. Two birds with one vag.
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
Wow. The LSU Tennessee game is on here and the LSU cheerleaders are stupid hot. Its weird having a hard on. At a bar. On a Wednesday. By yourself.
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.
Randomize
