Now it won't go down.
You've got a gift.
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
Can we pretty pretty please go to Mardi Gras tomorrow? I promise I'll be a good girl and not puke in a pledges car
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
Randomize