Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
That's the secret to virgins: blizzards.
Watching NYC prep. Doing a shot everytime one of these d-bags flips his hair. I give it 10 minutes before alcohol poisoning set in.
she's throwing things again.. almost stabbed herself in the eye with a fork.
do you think semen can infect my impacted wisdom tooth
I think he just made me trade sex for my cat.
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
oh wow I have been there. Hell one time Matt and I woke up naked with pizza rolls in the bed.
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
he was Irish, I had to have sex with him.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
Randomize
