the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
Night just started and I've already seen a woman headbutt a brick wall. Unintentionally. Epic to say the least
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
I would eat the Denny's grand slam special out of my new probation officers b hole
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
he called me 'mate' and i had to remind him that you dont call people mate who continously make your dick hard
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
Randomize
