woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
It was her first time with a girl so I put on my tegan and Sara playlist to really get the full experience.
you just kept yelling "siddle that plaza" til the cab driver said it back...
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
I an in a belgian bar and i cant understand shit. Trying to talk to strangers. Getting drunk until we all speak the same language. Brace for updates.
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
i don't know what body building stuff he's on, but his cum is basically a 5 hour energy shot.
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
We had sex then laid in his bed eating chocolate and drinking juice boxes. I think I'm going to keep him around.
I do not recommend playing football on LSD like at all
Randomize
