I need like a "Cookong High for Idiots" book. Or a car.
Well I think that's a good thing that I'm not full of someone else.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
THERE ARE ENTIRELY TOO MANY HOT UNDERAGE GIRLS HERE FOR THIS TO REMAIN LEGAL.
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
She sat on the stairs and yelled sex positions at us. I don't remember if we went along with it but judging by the beer and condoms I'm thinking yes.
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
Randomize
