He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
Just woke up and stopped at the WaWa in Virginia. Had major morning wood and didn't try to hide it when walking around. So many awkward stares.
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
I was told my cock was a religious experience.
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
I probably won't go. Last time I got drunk with those guys I just started demanding people let me touch their beards.Then I mocked everyone who didn't have facial hair.
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
At least life still wants to fuck me.
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
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