I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
know what turns me on? long, stringy hair on a pasty looking girl with an overstuffed backpack and kneepads over her jeans in case she falls off her scooter
your less of a man for seeing that
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
I'm not sure which is worse. The fact that I slept with him last night, or the fact that you did too.
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
She just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the "above the influence banner" like a toga.
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
Randomize
