Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
ok, just found out the kid i had random sex with in April was on wheel of fortune so i can really no longer say i regret that night
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
You grabbed my dick don't call me son
YOu just turned down my vagina. Something must be wrong. Vegas changed you!
thats all i want out of life, to get high and watch weiner dog races
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
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