Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
just convinced brandon semen are bugs that crawl in your pants and make gooey juice. now hes convinced he has them lmao
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
Sorry my hands just texted you
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
SOS... STANDING IN THE BAR NEXT TO MY BF AND THE GUY WHO I HOOKED UP WITH ON CHRISTMAS DAY..
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
They got skeletons in the booths to enforce social distancing.
Thought they were weekend at berniesing that shit at first.
Randomize
