I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
wait, how does the 20 year old one night stand pregnant girl have a superiority complex?
Not sure I just ate a really big pot brownie, I feel like my future is uncertain
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
if i bang your brother are we still cool?
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
THERE'S MORE TO LIFE THAN JUST MISSIONARY
Obviously you're feeling a little sexually frustrated.
I consider humping a stranger every ten minutes when I walk in the street.
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
Randomize
