I need like a "Cookong High for Idiots" book. Or a car.
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
we had break-up sex in a port-a-potty. how do you think it went?!
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
Randomize
