Of course im so fucked up sarah. I fight away tornadoes.
I am spending my child support on dildos
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
Because its Monday... And I'm determined to just be drunk for the rest of the semester
My vag hurts but I feel vindicated
That is an interesting emotion combo
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
Randomize