i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
I'm at a Rock of Love themed party. New high? New low? I can't tell.
Wait. Scratch that. It's not themed. These girls are just sluts.
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
don't pay it forward
I eont pay shit forward. told a stranger to call an abulance and peaced
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
I will give him this, every time we go to the club he gets a stripper's actual number.
Randomize
