: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
just ate frosted cheerios in coffee with some marshmellows. the college diet begins
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
Cops just came and got two guys out of my class. I can't do college. Seriously cannot rage at this school anymore.
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
My penis is saying yes, several less important organs are saying noo...
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
He has to be employed and covid free. That’s my standard. I can’t be picky. 2020 has killed my sex life.
Randomize
