I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
My mom's 50 year old alcoholic friend just told me about how she was more whoreish then us at our age. Challenge accepted.
he needs a life. he was like frothing at the mouth to cockblock you
What do you mean how did you end up there? You told him he had a face you'd like to ride, that's a deal sealer in any language.
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
I couldn't finish the episode and had to lay down because the snapple commercial with the mustache was blowing my mind
I yelled at the dude who smoked him up "YOU'RE THE REASON I'M NOT GETTING LAID" then went to bed. So yeah, I guess it was an ok night.
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
"They won't do it. I'm in the middle of darkness. " and "Probably going to die. I've been walking for 50 minutes in one direction" are the last texts I got from Steve
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