Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
its a vaginal recession for me, ill take what i can get
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
yeah they are definitely having sex in that car. joe just yelled through the window telling them to do the "titanic hand print thing"
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
Theres just something about today that says lets get drunk, dont you think?
Randomize
