I'm taking child development now so if you get pregnant i can raise your child no worries
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
I told myself this year would be different, I wouldn't get "pee in a fish tank drunk".. Got to the girls house... Fish tank in her room.. 2 years in a row.. had to keep the tradition going
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
Ok. You have started something that can only end with a picture of the inside of my butthole. It may happen today or next year, but it's on my agenda.
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
Randomize
