just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
I love how you are more concerned with what i call my penis than the fact i wanna bone some high school chicks
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
Imagine that my comprehension level is that of a 7 year old and explain your plan again
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
Randomize
