somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
My dick was out way too much saturday not to get laid
omg dinner turned into a foam party this is weiriiid
No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry
Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
He spelled Steven with "ph", needless to say my nose was almost bleeding from the amount of axe he was wearing.
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
why isn't there a kind of gay where i let guys give me head but they don't expect me to give it back? i could be that kind of gay
He was that good?
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
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