I wish i knew how bad drinking and hieghts were before i got up here
so i asked him why he doesn't wanna see me anymore and he said he was questioning his sexuality. cool.
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
Currently flirting with a 57 year old. Why do i do this
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
I'm just concerned as to why his penis is two different colors.
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
Randomize
