im marching my happy ass in there and im not leaving until he cheats on his girlfriend!
he drunkenly confessed to whacking off before coming over so the sex'd be longer. this one's a keeper
imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
I might as well rub my vagina against it before I throw it away.
i dont know whats weirder. that i told him he stabbed me in my dream or that he told me i wasnt the first girl to tell him theyve been killed by him in a dream
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
I'm all dressed in my outfit from last night, and I'm not even the sluttiest person in Walmart right now. God bless Miami.
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
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