im learning from these one night stands last time i came in her this time i came on her AND deleted every contact in her phone!
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
well he showed me a naked baby picture and i was right it hasn't grown
Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
should i save it for someone special or be a feminist and be like "my vagina doesnt define me"
So please don't worry, but I need some help getting blood out of my drywall so I can get my security deposit back. I would not ask if the need was not great.
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
Randomize
