Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
I dont even clean my room anymore .. i drunk proof it for when i come back smashed with a guy
i drunkenly decided i was going to take down all the male cheerleaders, gay or not. 1 down about 10 more to go.
In a cab. Towels everywhere. Confused.
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
I will never look at a penis the same again. After that I will appreciate them so much more than I do. Makes me wanna kiss yours just for being pretty
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
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