don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
they named it eva bongoria. i had to hit it based on the name alone.
as we waited for a manager to come open the door that we broke while having sex on the wall, we decided to go round two in the hallway before he came back.. god i love hotels.
It all boils down to, who else do we know that is willing to buy our friendship?
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
We are taking a shrt nap on the sidewalk cme fine me if you want but dont wake me up
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
Randomize
